Guess Who's Back

On an enticing and unforgiving precipice, lovingly created by a mysterious Slartibartfast amidst the viciously folding fjords, I stand, in perfect form, yearning for that clarification. Face upturned, eyes hopeful, breath shallow in anticipation. The journey was arduous, but only just so. The reward, however, was great and wonderful and also, just, for it was now my time. As if on cue, the clouds parted and I saw the light...

Incredibly dense, must I be. Or very very scared. For nothing has changed- I feel no heavier, think no wiser, believe no stronger.

At the end of it, there is an overwhelming desire to unhinge. Literally. Balls to come out of their sockets, and synovial joints to 'decouple' in whatever manner they may do so, with little or no discomfiture. Limbs and extremities and ribs and the troubled head and the always bleary eyes. All stacked up in a nice little pile, useless and in an orientation of minimum energy.
The last thing a soul such as me needs is a way back to normal madness.

I agree, this sounds just boring, senseless and a tad self-indulgent.
Blah!

The hopes and fears of an Exchange Student

Although the title of this post hints towards a rather generalized hypothesis, the sum and substance of this post will quite necessarily focus on the workings of my own mind.

I think one of the charms of the 'Exchange' experience lies in the fact that it is meant to be unique; for the reaction to a strange ( yet strangely familiar) environment varies on one's habits, views, beliefs and scales of acceptance. The risk, of course, lies in identifying a particular style or way of life- and by the end of it, be completely disgusted and disappointed with your choices.
I have struggled, in no small measure, to come to terms with this change, partially because its something I have looked forward to for a long time ( and hence, a pressure to "have fun"; which is quite weird). There are so many ways I want to live through this that it is incredibly hard to choose and hence, as I have been advised, its best to 'go with the flow'.

Thankfully, this is not my first extended stint in a foreign land, or even North America. That is actually a good thing, because I am now used to the fact that I hate my conversational skills ( why do I sound so weird and retarded in an ordinary conversation? ), my physical inadequacies ( yup, these locker rooms are a nightmare!), my non-existent sex life ( there, I said it!) and my complete lack of enthusiasm for interaction or touring. Its incredible how I crave just lazing around letting my mind wander through a million issues and scenarios and other such utter bull-shit creating my own make-believe world.

And so, I wanted to utilize this opportunity to, in some way or the other, transform myself- I wanted to use the lack of academic pressure to sample subjects, dabble and indulge in things I always wanted to do ( music, theatre, screen-writing?) and kind of embark on a journey to seek knowledge by catching up on reading that I never did, from Camus to Kant and Justice League to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen...
Maybe, I could also, somehow, rekindle my interest for the nuances of Chemical Engineering, which I doubt ever existed- but if not, I could atleast re-discover my well-documented passion for Statistics and Maths.
I wanted to weave that seamless fabric of knowledge that covers my various areas of interest granting me the 'Big Picture', a balanced diet almost instead of morsels here and there.

On the other hand, this approach may interfere with the holy objective of every Indian student on exchange/internship- of getting drunk and laid, however difficult or easy that may be with the abysmal communication skills and suspect drinking strength (and the aforesaid inadequacies).
The ideal mix continues to elude me- where does the fun equation lead us? Should this be an exhibitionist, touristy journey of putting yourself 'out there' or a withdrawal into the deepest recesses of one's own mind and heart, a semester of pure, unadulterated introspection.
Should this be a semester of doing something new everyday or a semester of simply figuring out what you want to do?

In some measure, this was a cathartic post- by no means complete in its description of either the excitement or the all-pervasive insecurity. However, there is an undeniable pleasure in conquering some of your fears, being responsible and living on your own. I guess the mind will continue to work furiously- till I arrive at some solid ground, let me survive myself!

Harry Potter- The End of an Era

I have referred to this series of stories about the 'Boy Who Lived' before- in particular, regarding my tempestuous love affair with them. The same dilemma faced me again on around 8 PM on the 20th of July- whether to buy the book (at $28, no less!) or to simply search around on the Net and pick up the pdf, which probably was already out, and if not, was sure to be within a couple of hours (since the book itself was, by then, already out in the UK).
I, however, succumbed to the temptation and to the romantic notion of the greatness of this moment in literary, world and my personal history.
With another incredibly beautiful book, filled with great plotlines and extraordinarily powerful imagery, Rowling ends our association with Potter, which, I freely admit, leaves me with an emptiness and a sense of loss.
It must be my 'impressionable' age but the hopes and frustrations of Harry resonate so closely with mine, or those of any teenager, for that matter, that its difficult to imagine life without a true live friend who grew up with you and spoke your voice. The concepts of 'The One' and of the 'Saviour' have always been extremely fascinating, particularly in the recent examples of LOTR and the Matrix movies- HP brings forth that same hair-standing-in-the-back and warm-blood-rushing-through-veins feeling whenever Harry strides forth to face his nemesis, Voldemort. And incredibly, the flawed Hero ( again like Spiderman or wavering Frodo in LOTR)that Harry is, his fears and intentions, are allowed at times to be apparently 'stupid', considering his nobility and heart of gold. In a moment of grave crisis, his thoughts wander to snogging sessions with Ginny- which is another Rowling masterstroke, for its an incredibly real response; like the whole series really and quite so different from the Arwen-Aragorn kind of fantasy love.

Voldemort is the ultimate villain- his violence and remorseless evil marks him out as one of the greatest creations; he is visible, but only just so; he is confused but then, unaccepting and more malevolent.

The ending grants almost too much of a closure- it could have left a few more questions in the air for possibly, an eighth. It just is hard to accept that life must go on without HP.


One last wish- make this one a great movie: this is Return of the King material!

Whatever

Is life ever easy? I guess, for me, it will never be. For, I must admit, that I am luckier than most in being granted almost every wish- even then, I lead a life of confusion, angst and mostly, 'anticipatory consternation'. I meet trouble halfway, half-heartedly, which doesn't help, except being proud of the 'anticipatory' part of it.

I am resigned to a permanent state of heightened tension and a constant yearning for the peace of mind. Which, if attained, even for the briefest of periods, generated the same 'concerns'- for simply put, how can I be peaceful? It must be the calm before the storm, or am I forgetting something?

Apart from that is the often enough reminder that life flashes as regards the weakness of my soul and the hypocrisy of my being. I wallow in the mires of self-pity, alternating between the 'wanna-be popular guy' and the 'proud Bohemian'. Can I allow myself a smirk that I am not one but two steps ahead of the world? But then why does my heart ache for company and frivolity?

The answers are not easy. The catharsis continues, in dribs and drabs, in drops and ampoules.
Am I having a good time? Am I having a better time than others? Have I convinced others that I am having a better time than them?

I think I should shut up- stop thinking.
I think I should just write.

A Constant Refrain in a Furious Mind

To write a story that is told oft, and forever;
To sing a merry tune that haunts and lingers in the halls of time;
To simply fashion an extraordinary moment -
That survives the inexorable march of seasons and clime

I live on this faith, this promise
Of genius in wait- unto eternity
Oh grant me Life, before you leave
Death, before you come- a wish
Immortality!Immortality! Immortality!

Loads of Time

(and a fast internet connection) has meant that I have foregone travel and exploration in the real world for surfing in the virtual one.
Youtube is an absolute miracle; I have spent a lot of time on Jeeves/Wooster and Stephen Fry, SNL clips etc (and have kept away from porn,which Ytube manages to screen out, thankfully!).

I got stupidly sentimental over Beatles, especially watching some documentary about them. I have long realized that I have always had a fascination for all things British and what with Wodehouse, Fry and his movie "Tom Brown's Schooldays" (which mixes my fascination of things British with the other- boarding school environ fantasy; so much so that I have read the book twice-abridged + unabridged- and found the latter almost too much to handle with its Biblical references), a little of Monty Python and I am lost in an archaic, funny world where gals are 'little things' and romance is in the air.

The other thing I realize is that I read too little- I will now have to force myself to read, for pleasure.

Going back to the beginning, the Beatles thingy came from iphone and Steve Jobs. The iphone looks spectacular; but I would wait, for it can only improve with time (look at the shuffle now!!!). Though the various keynote speeches by Steve Jobs have been fun to watch. He is a great showman, backed by an amazing design team.
His speech at Stanford was quite awesome and revelatory, particularly his close shave with pancreatic cancer and the harnessing of death as a driving force to achievement is quite interesting.

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On a totally different note, I love watching the Oscars shows, particularly because of the starting videos they put together. Though nothing will ever come close to these 2 Billy Crystal specials

Recommended

"You and I have memories
Longer than the road that stretches out ahead"

Two Of us (The Beatles)

Which is what Steve Jobs said in an interview with Bill Gates discussing their rivalry(?) over the last 2 decades.

Which, also is, another Beatles song that has got into my head and is clinging to my synapses like Venom-like gooey.

Beatles therefore were not just "the right men at the right time"- they fulfilled a world's need for change; and continued to change themselves. In the process of musical and philosophical evolution, they have created a monumental body of work: which I now vow to discover more.
I do not claim to have a discerning ear- but when you end up liking so many songs of the same band, in so many different moods, for so many different reasons, you kind of figure that they appeal to you as well, apart from millions, across time.
No real point in denying genius, and being worse off for the lack of it.
But you can't help feeling: Lucky bastards- to have made such immortal music!

By the way: this is some related, heartwarming stuff

The Big City

It is not unnatural to be skeptical about a phenomenon that is universally appreciated. The whole idea of "the road less travelled" and the romanticism of iconoclastic ideology almost forces us to dismiss anything and everything that is "loved by all".

Something similar happened to me wrt HP. The first book in the series that I read was the 'Chamber of Secrets' (and till date, it remains my favourite one), about the time the world had gone ga-ga over the fourth- in fact, I remember reading the review of the fourth one (by a 13 year old kid in an erudite publication like the Biblio) and remarking to myself- what absolute drivel! Dragons/witches/wizards/broom-sticks- grow up,world!

The rest, as they say, is history- I got hooked and the wait for the last in the series is eagerly on...

Which leads me back to the reason of this post; I have concluded that I am not really a man of travel. That is to say,my wanderlust is nothing to write home about. Although, within the year of getting a passport done, I would have visited 3 countries- one for 3 months, another for 2, and the other for 5 days, which packed more fun/chaos than the other two, put-together, can.

So from Delhi to Mumbai to Lahore to New York, I have been to some of the greatest/biggest cities of the world- and frankly, have been unimpressed. When do you start loving a city; or admiring its 'spirit';or being awed by just 'being there'?

Particularly, now that I am whiling my time in the Big Apple, I had expected something extraordinary out of it. Not that I have made any efforts at all to discover this city and be impressed by it- but I could contend, that I had thought it sufficient to sit back and enjoy- let the ambience envelop me, in the normalcy of my existence, and make it something special.

The city of Spiderman; of a skyline which is so familiar, although you have never been here, where you conjure up the vision of the towers that no longer exist and think of what might have been; of Woody Allen- I strongly contend that I expected much.
We have discussed often, here, that is this the capital of the world. The only argument against this being that it lacks history- which sparks off a long debate about the nature of history etc. Apart from that, NY is the cosmos; from Vietnamese cuisine to Jewish plays, it has everything, and bigger, and more.
Which brings me back to the point that I was right in expecting much.

And it was not until tomorrow, when I went near Times Square, for a second time and found- Lehman Brothers, Morgan Stanley, the Dow Jones Index, Hershey's and giant posters for "Jenna loves Janine", Wrestlemania and EA SPORTS NFL- staring down at me, that I felt truly blown away.

It is everything on TV/books coming true and its not fake- its real and as big as you thought it was.
My life has not been an utter waste.

Memo: Way of Life

One of my guides asked me how i liked the "punishing" schedule of a working life/job.
I frankly admitted that it is extraordinarily demanding; gets slow and boring during the day in which one is forced to feign interest; and that it leaves little time for anything else.

Which is when he echoed some of my recent thoughts-he said:"I wish I knew that when I was in school. I would have stopped cribbing how tough school is. And would have enjoyed it more"

I know. I must therefore learn. To enjoy, more.

In a minute

The hiatus has begun.
I hope to introspect in some measure; and I assume that it would be a life-changing experience.
But that is a much bandied about phrase in our times.

The only thing I won't miss is the examination system of IIT- no exams for 7 months are a pleasant thought!

The rest- I am not too sure.

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Currently, life is fast and hectic; my itinerary/schedule atleast sounds awesome, though the actual experience is simply 'different', more on the lines of 'satisfactory' than 'outstanding'.

However in 10 days, I have managed to pack in Times Square, Picasso , Dali, homophobia, ABS, dry cleaning (or the lack of it) etc.
Life is full and every other day is the longest day...

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Travelling in the metro, out of 30 odd people packing the compartment, I see 5 White and 5 Black Americans, 8-9 Indians and 10-12 of Chinese/Japanese/Korean origin.
If not the "invasion", the "infestation" is definitely on.

This is scary shit- does this mean that I have to read this?

You're Ulysses!

by James Joyce

Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared
to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense. What people do
understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once
brilliant and repugnant. Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in
the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you
additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Hmm

Get Your Cyborg Name

Synthetic and Handcrafted?

Masterful Assassination sounds much better

These Days

Blame Canada, or Kale for it
Surviving IIT, barely( primarily because of Walia)
Poltu for Poltu's Sake
Yearning for parties and alcohol
Need to Read/Marinate my soul
Almost 1/2 an engineer
Scary

In fashion- copy and paste

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